boydomination asked: Your blog is great, everything about it. Thanks for what you do and giving so many people good advice (not to mention, really hot pics!). I was wondering if you'd speak a little more to transitioning from sub to dom? I have had a similar experience where I was more submissive when I started out, but in the last year or two have desired to be the one in control. Though I have some experience as a dom, any advice on navigating the transition?
Hey thanks. I really appreciate that. Obviously, I have mentioned exactly what you are going through (and obviously that is why you messaged). I have written a little about my early submissive and dominant experiences. You can check them out in the “things you should read” section. Perhaps you already have.
Nevertheless, I am more than happy to share with you my experiences and offer some advice. Feel free to ask anything.
I don’t know about you, but I am an extremely outgoing, confident guy in regular life. I always controlled everything. I had structure. I knew I loved BDSM porn. And so my thought process was… “I control everything. I need to give up that control. I should be submissive.” So I started my dom/sub exploration as a submissive. In truth, I was a terrible submissive. Very “bossy.” I had strict limits. I would only allow certain things to happen. If a line was crossed, I was done. So even in a submissive role, I was still in control.
I put a lot of thought into it and decided that I should give dominating a try. Maybe my initial thought process was wrong. I started talking with a very experienced submissive and he let me practice on him. I essentially tried out many of the things I had seen online. It was an eye opening experience. It was just a natural fit. I often write about how a boy needs to learn to let go in the moment to truly enjoy his submissive side. I think the same is true for a dominant. I learned to let go in that moment.
From there, I really blossomed. I started seeking out more opportunities to explore. With each session, I refined my skills. I practice. I screwed up. I had awkward situations. My greatest guide was probably Xtube. I saw something and decided to try it.
I did set some guidelines for myself. (1) I would never hurt a boy. No pain or damage. (2) I would never force a boy. Consensual Seduction. (3) I would always endeavor to keep my affectionate side. I do love to kiss.
I think as you explore your dominant side you need to remember that practice makes perfect. I do not think you need a mentor. I do not think you need to let other Doms tell you what to do. I think you just need to put yourself out there to try new things. Confidence is the most important thing. I am not saying you be a cocky little asshole. What I am saying is that you should connect with boys. Try out the more experienced ones. Tell them you want to practice on them. Experienced submissive boys tend be pretty damn nice. Then go for the less experienced, they will never know you are still exploring.
Oh. One big piece of advice for a new dominant. Never ever forget. Submission is 90% mental. You cannot forget that. You cannot just tie a boy up and assume he will submit to you because of it. You must work hard. Get inside his head. For some, it is easily done with dirty language. “Get on your knees you little bitch you. I don’t want you to move until my cum is sliding down your throat.” For others, it will take more work. Where you must seduce their submissive urges. You will have to make them want it. But I cannot stress enough how important it is to work inside their head. You will develop a more meaningful connection and session will generally be better.
Finally to touch on a question I answered earlier this evening. You are going to have some bad experiences. It just happens. You can work hard to line everything up perfectly. Then you just don’t connect. For me, I have always had a difficult time click with boys that just so fucking high maintenance. Don’t let a bad session knock you down. It happens to everyone. Think about what went wrong but don’t dwell on it. To quote a phrase from my area, brush off your boots and get back on the saddle.
In truth, you can just throw everything I just said out the window. Go be you. That is the best dominating quality there is. But do me one little favor. A simple promise. Don’t be one of those assholes that calls themselves a Dom but is really nothing but an abuser of boys. Be worthy of a boy’s submission. Be a gentleman. Be someone who treasures a boy for what he is. The world needs more Doms like that.
Thanks for the advice. I’m definitely not looking to be “an abuser of boys”. I’ve found in many situations that, even as a sub, I was the more gentlemanly person in the situation, and have had a similar experience as being “bossy”. No, I’m looking for a boy to love and cherish and who will worship me. Why would I inflict pain on someone I love?
I’ll heed your suggestion and try some practice on an experienced sub (hey followers!) with the understanding that there will be some awkward encounters at first. Xtube has definitely given me some ideas as well.
You stressed getting into a sub’s headspace. I’m not much of a verbal top, but I will see what I can do. Mind if I seek out your advice again after I try some things out?